The ugly truth

I wouldn't hesitate to say that these few days have been bad times for me. Yeah, you're right. It was about me and Nurul. It was on my mind almost all the time.

Today, I couldn't stand the no-contacts, so I dropped her a message through YM. She was on, so a message then led to conversations.

I asked her 3 questions that I've been meaning to ask for long. The questions that would have changed how I deal with this thing that kept bothering me in these few days.

1. Could she still see a future of me and her? She had me believe in her in this dream I thought we had. I remember the words "We'll work this out together" and for such nice words, I fell for her again and again.

She answered : "I couldn't even see my own future". Meaning, no. It's no longer there. (It occurred to me to ask since when, but that wouldn't make any different, so I let it go)

2. Does she still have same feeling for me? I made it clear, if her feeling for me got less in anyway, that means it's not the same anymore and it's a NO.

She answered : "NO". Without hesitation, I guess that came without thinking about my feelings. This is the one that I need to know most. Is she worth it? Is she not like other girls? Is she different? was this thing real? or just temporary thing that got into her cloudy mind?

Yes she is the kinda girl I thought she is. This thing was temporary. This isn't real. She had me believe in her with the nice words and I had my heart opened for it. For this answer, I know she's not worth it for me. She's not supposed to be the one I'll sacrifice myself for.

Thanks God for the acceptance. It was huge for me, and eliminating the bits in the heart is the work needs done.

3. I was actually going to say something instead of asking question. It was something like "I don't care about your boyfriend, or anything. I just care about your feelings for me and how inside you, there are bits of you that want me and wanna have a future with me. I care about that. For that, I'll work out ways for us. Okay?"

Unfortunately, it can also be the exact other way around.

And so it was.

Sorry guys, I know you guys love to see me and her. But I can't feel the worthiness anymore. She is brilliant, definitely, but not the kind of brilliant girl I'll share my life and love with.

And for you, Nurul, I wish you find the one that can fill you with loves and the rest you need. Please keep in mind, you're one of the best girls I know. There are many things keep me not liking you, but I have been and I would rather still cherish those things that keep me liking you more. :-)

I'm really sorry for the times I hurt you, even one bit. I really am.

Penn off, bloggy.