yeah!

I must admit, I do feel better a little bit. Honesty works, while secrecy hurts - trust me.

Now, how the hell did I let my life to get this freakin' unmanageable??

The ugly truth

I wouldn't hesitate to say that these few days have been bad times for me. Yeah, you're right. It was about me and Nurul. It was on my mind almost all the time.

Today, I couldn't stand the no-contacts, so I dropped her a message through YM. She was on, so a message then led to conversations.

I asked her 3 questions that I've been meaning to ask for long. The questions that would have changed how I deal with this thing that kept bothering me in these few days.

1. Could she still see a future of me and her? She had me believe in her in this dream I thought we had. I remember the words "We'll work this out together" and for such nice words, I fell for her again and again.

She answered : "I couldn't even see my own future". Meaning, no. It's no longer there. (It occurred to me to ask since when, but that wouldn't make any different, so I let it go)

2. Does she still have same feeling for me? I made it clear, if her feeling for me got less in anyway, that means it's not the same anymore and it's a NO.

She answered : "NO". Without hesitation, I guess that came without thinking about my feelings. This is the one that I need to know most. Is she worth it? Is she not like other girls? Is she different? was this thing real? or just temporary thing that got into her cloudy mind?

Yes she is the kinda girl I thought she is. This thing was temporary. This isn't real. She had me believe in her with the nice words and I had my heart opened for it. For this answer, I know she's not worth it for me. She's not supposed to be the one I'll sacrifice myself for.

Thanks God for the acceptance. It was huge for me, and eliminating the bits in the heart is the work needs done.

3. I was actually going to say something instead of asking question. It was something like "I don't care about your boyfriend, or anything. I just care about your feelings for me and how inside you, there are bits of you that want me and wanna have a future with me. I care about that. For that, I'll work out ways for us. Okay?"

Unfortunately, it can also be the exact other way around.

And so it was.

Sorry guys, I know you guys love to see me and her. But I can't feel the worthiness anymore. She is brilliant, definitely, but not the kind of brilliant girl I'll share my life and love with.

And for you, Nurul, I wish you find the one that can fill you with loves and the rest you need. Please keep in mind, you're one of the best girls I know. There are many things keep me not liking you, but I have been and I would rather still cherish those things that keep me liking you more. :-)

I'm really sorry for the times I hurt you, even one bit. I really am.

Penn off, bloggy.

What it is

Ako benci betul malam yang mcm ni. Dari kol 1 lebih tadi ako try nak tido. Skang dah kol 340. Ape hal nye ni...

Padahal ako tahu gile kenape.

Ya Allah, tolong.

Ako tak tahu nak tulis ape. Ako nak masa bergerak laju. Ako nak lupakan satu bulan nie.

Ape yang ako fikir. Ako rase ako penyatu antara diorang. At least Nurul tahu nak appreciate Acap skang.

Apa yang ako fikir nie.

Tolong la.

Ya Allah, whatever makes her happy. It'll make me happy. InsyaAllah.

Lead me on something new, something less thoughtful. Please.

I miss her. This is hurting.

One week break, help me oh tuhanku.

Acap, you're one lucky guy. Please don't spoil this. Never hurt her.

Thanks

That means you care for him more than you care about me.

That also means you see a future of you and him more than ours.

That's fine. If I were you, Raf pun akan think that way :-)

There's something about you that I can't let go. I don't know.

You have feelings for me? Your way of attracting me? of making me happy?

I love you. I really wanna show it. I'm gonna hold on to that. I'll wait.

You won't hear me looking for you. You won't hear me saying I miss you.

You won't hear me saying I love you, Nurul.

and you can't do anything about what I'm doing, so don't bother.

There is nothing between us now. You have a boyfriend and I probably wooing some girls right now.
I'm just one of your MMU friends.

There is no need to feel guilty. We're not sharing anything, not even feeling. We\ll keep it that way.

Have fun till CNY and I'm sure you can't wait to menggedik with your dad and mom :P

Bye

It is still here

The feeling is still inside me
I just cant show it anymore
Rasa guilty makin tebal
I'm sorry


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Bukan masa yang sesuai

It's killing me.

I miss this. I miss this so bad.

Tell me what you really feel about me.

Has it gone? Has it got less?

I'll be here until I get the answer.

Pancake

You gave me the new reasons for these days and the upcoming,

I held it dearly within me. 

You heard that from me. At least I remember saying it to you.

Since few days ago, I keep trying but nothing works to the same effect.

Dull.

Will you...

Words of the day

To increase your self confidence - Focus on what you’re good at, find and admit your weaknesses, and let yourself be yourself in each situation. Then, get better.

InsyaAllah

Lies

I can't provide the girl I like with what she wants right now. Only loves and cares, but that's just not what she really wants. Too bad I guess. That means its for some other girl I'm about to meet.

I'm gonna get there. I promise. Just like what I said weeks ago.

Nurul, do you remember what have you said weeks ago? hee. You know I took all what said very seriously. That was my mistake. I beg you not to do that to anyone again.

You should know, my trust in you won't be the same anymore. We're friends, or bestfriends, if you want it that way :-) I know you'll be reading this even though you said you wouldn't. That has got tell you something about me knowing you, right?

I'm still feeling good, thanks god for the positiveness all around me albeit the dull day.

This is going to be the first break up that I don't cry on. Somehow, that feels weird.

Nurul, Panny, I will always care about you and far away from hating you :-)

So, do take care of yourself.
(You could said 'mestilah' how many times you want, but you're not gonna stop me from saying 'take care nurul')

Bye! nak tgk movie, esok satay, petang basketball! Then gotta work on Tech comm plakkk. Haihh.

:)

It's not that I don't care about you anymore

Tapi rasa, what I've been doing these days

I mean start since cuti

Everything is just wrong

Takkan la nak ada dua boyfriends at one time?

You get what I mean?

That is so not me

Rasa sgt guilty

And I know I should not let this go deeper, and make it worst

So, I think we should put a fullstop

Tapi bukan nya tak boleh be bestfriend kan?

Badan tak mengikut arahan

Sorry ah lecturer (nama pun tak tahu, teruk betol ko rafsyam)

Tak tahan sgt dah, tersengguk2. Aku pon dah dgr mcm org gelak2 je belakang tu, suke hati la, tak tahan weiiiii!

Bungkus, pegi surau foe then baring bawah kipas. Heaven.

Meetung tech comm at 2, then eweek lagi. Then kelas, then swimming. Fuh, packed.

Penat, but feeling good.

Ada org nak smayang, bye.

Hai back

Hey Nurul, I don't mind you reading those, it was written for you to read anyway. I thought you didn't care enough to open it though.

Don't worry, I have almost no privacy towards the one I love. Emil, Alifa, I'm treating you the same as I treated them. But there is one big different in them and you, something I didn't quite realize before.

You know what, since you went to PD, you made me feel like a loser almost everyday. Am I being too sensitive to feel like that? or you just don't care about making me feel so - while you are just being you?

The truth is, I have always been sensitive. I think I care for people more than a 'normal' guy should. I am easily emotionally affected more than a 'normal' guy should, which in effect affecting almost everything I do. I am easily impressed by what I did and especially by what people did. Also, and the most important, I took what people said deeply as well as the way they treat me. To that, I wanna say I do appreciate you driving over to spend time with me, dinner, lunch, everything you did before. I really do appreciate those.

Now, I'm talking about now.

Nurul, I think you don't care about me anymore. I think you just had a crush on me earlier and it was temporary thing. The future you mentioned, it was real at one time but now I think you slowly not feeling it anymore. I'm just saying. Because you don't want to tell me the truth, my mind brought me into those conclusions. That's also after seeing how you were treating me. You loved Acap. You made me think you didn't and I was the one you love. I believed in that. I believe in you. But, I'm sure it's not like that. Not now. Don't get me wrong. It wasn't wrong to be that way. I understand it perfectly, you're just being you. That is fine.

Before, you couldn't wait to have a webcam call with me. I felt the same way and I am still feeling the same way. The problem is, you didn't. I held myself not to call you. The urge is killing me every night.

Before, you would always wanna text me. These days, I sent you many texts and yet you didn't give me any reply. Yes it hurts and holding it up is killing me like hell.

You know, I don't wanna say these thing, I don't even wanna believe in this thing. I love you. I wanna have faith in you. I really do.

But things don't seems so. You don't seems so. I got to hold my feeling to accept the possibilities.

I started to fall for you when you cared about me and wanna spend time on me. The feeling of you needing me, that's all I need to fall for you.

These days, I starting to feel you don't really care about me and you don't actually wanna spend time with me, whether its lunch, webcam, dinner, or just hanging out walking, whatever. It is not there anymore. It is not in your face.

Now tell me if you want me to stop having the feelings. It's gonna hurt me for sure, but it's that what you feel, it is what I would do. Please, if that is what you feel, you go to tell me that.

Don't leave me wondering, it will affect me so bad. I need to know, I need the acceptance to move on.

Hai :)

I invade your privacy!

*padan muka, sapa suruh private kan blog

Study Plan

oh mak aih

Gile banyak aku habeskan mase lately. Ni salah budak2 tu la ni yang asyik ajak aku keluar!!!! nasib baik best, kalau tak, aku mintak ganti rugi sorang2! hehehe Thanks to all of you guys, you guys made a lovely weekend!

Since sem baru ni bukak, aku belum start study serious2. Ade la bace2 mana2 yang ade, tapi memang tak lekat la. Baca semata2 nak cukup syarat. Bahase jepun pun Hiragana tak hafal lagi, hampehhhhh! Hari ni nak masuk Katakana pulak, haihh. Adhwa kate dia hafal Hiragana dalam mase 3 hari. Abbas kate dia buat dlm 3 hari. Aku? 3 minggu, baru A I U E O je....

Lately rase mcm dah kurus sket. Seluar jeans yang lame tak pakai, smlm pakai mcm longgar. Gile ape. Aku rase tips paling senang nak kurus senang je, jadi poor. Makin poor, makin kurang makan. Makin kurang makan + exercise mcm biasa, haaa. Kurus la ko. Sape ckp nak jadi kurus tadi? bak sini duit tu.

alamak dah kol 2. janji ngan Za nak decide ade meeting ke tak before 2. Haih, sape suruh letak aku jadi ketua. Not the best time at this moment okkk.

Jumpa Nurul tadi. Hai :-)

Hey

Do I love you less by saying this?

I'm not mad at you
dont take it that way
I'm giving you spaces for you to figure out whether or not to hang out around with me
Either way, I'm fine
Ade problem and nak my help, ask for it
I'll be around

I hope you didn't think so.

Hey

I wish you'd just stay, but thanks.

Morning

Aku bangun pagi tadi memang awal, kol 630. Mengantuk gile, aku baring balek, tup tap dah kol 8. Sial.

Bangun2 je aku fikir pasal Nurul. Aku tau memang dia akan emotionally affected pasal bf die smalam. Bodoh la Acap. Aku makin tak fhm ngan ko. Aku jealous tahap gile Nurul sayang ko. Tolong la appreciate.

Nurul nie. Aku tau dia senang nangis. Pastu nangis bukan nak bgtau. Dtg breakfast, mata bengkak. Nasib baek dia ni pandai make up sket, so unless orang stare dia lame2, mmg takkan perasan sgt.

Bukak2 YM, nampak status dia, 'mata bengkak, malas nak gi kelas'. Aku fikir taknak kacau dia sgt. So aku tak tegur. Kalau tak, hari2 aku wish dia good morning. Tp kali ni tak. Semalam pun aku tak wish dia good night. Sabar je la.

haih, ingat dah taknak layan. Tapi susahnyer. Bukan senang nak restrain.

Aku baru je text dia tanye ok ke tak. Last2, aku anta jugak. Aku tak expect reply. Aku sebenarnya fhm, walaupun Nurul cakap mcm2, aku realize dia sebenarnya takde la care mana pasal aku. Aku push2 smlm nak tgk dia bagi aku chance nak cakap je tak. Mcm ako expect, tak. Ignored je. Hati sakit tapi nak taknak kene terima je.

Mcm last weekend pegi PD. Aku text and call segala bagai, tapi reply takde. Kalau call, mesti nak letak. Aku tau mengade je nak attention lebih2 tapi sebenarnya bimbang jugak. Aku tak kisah pun jalan2 sume, tapi ape2 boleh jadi kat PD tu. Dalam 2 hari, tak sampai 5 text, haih. Nasib baik jadi aku senang, lepas tgk gambar2 sume, tahu Nurul enjoyed, so ok la :-)

Nurul, kalau nurul baca ni. Tolong pegi kelas as usual, ok? Raf ade kat mana2, text je. Kalau tak, Adi or Amir pun ade, ok?

Celaka betul la

Aku bukannya suke marah tapi kalau aku marah, memang aku marah. Aku tahu aku marah.

Aku dah cakap, be honest, bukannye susah. Memang la sakit hati, tapi lagi baik dprd simpan mcm tu.

Aku paling tak suke orang buat aku wonder. Aku tak benci orang tu kalau aku dah sayang, tapi aku tak suke perasaan yang kene left wondering ni. Orang yang thoughtful mcm aku akan have those thing ringing in the head and keep ringing. Aku benci bila tak dapat tidur. Nasib baik aku sihat, boleh basketball, jogging, clear aku punyer mind utk sementara, utk aku buat keje sane sini.

Nampak sangat. Boleh tak laen kali bagitau je?

Haih.

Tolong jangan fikir bukan2, aku tak hate orang. Aku terima keadaan. Tapi aku marah jugak bila aku nak marah.

Aku nak cakap thank you. Banyak benda. Memang wish nak repay. Sangat. Aku tak tipu. Aku sanggup naik bus padahal aku boleh buat mengade mintak tumpang. Aku bukan bgtau ni nak amek hati, tp aku memang dah tak sampai hati nak mintak tlg lagi.

Aku nak ignore. Tolong faham. Bukan aku tak care, tapi aku rasa tak diappreciate. Ko sangat fhm perasaan tu mcm mana. Aku tahu ko fhm. If aku care, ako care jauh2.

Mintak maaf. Sume salah aku. Aku akan stop malam ni. Bye.